To the editor:
My name is Adam, and I have been a police officer in Wisconsin for 23 years. I am also a certified peer specialist in Wisconsin. I began my law enforcement career in 2001 after serving as an active duty U.S. Army military policeman.
In April 2016 I was involved in a critical incident that changed my life forever. I used deadly force on someone who armed himself with a hatchet inside a busy department store. This person died.
I suffered in silence for many years after my critical incident, and I am ashamed for the ways I poorly coped. I still feel shame for the ways I coped and treated people. I find it hard to believe that nobody realized or even had a gut feeling that I was not doing well.
I could not have been that good at hiding my poor coping strategies, or was I? I have always wondered whether people were slowly watching me self-destruct because they did not know what to say to me, how to help me or they simply did not want to get involved.
It has taken me many years to get back on track. There are many different coping strategies people may use after experiencing trauma. They might be good and healthy, or they might be bad and unhealthy.
My coping strategies were bad, unhealthy, self-destructive and dangerous. I used alcohol, marijuana, casual sex and self-harm as some of my poor coping strategies for years after my critical incident.
My poor coping strategies easily put my relationships, job and health at risk, but I did not care. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling. I wanted to numb my emotions, my thoughts, my body and any memory of taking someone’s life. I wanted to feel better even if only momentarily.
I was selfish, reckless and I did not care how my self-destructive and dangerous behavior might have affected my family, friends, children, co-workers and the public.
A most dangerous and unimaginable way I coped was by putting my duty weapon to my head. During my critical incident, it was a 40-caliber Glock 22 Gen 4. I put this weapon to my head at least a dozen times. Sometimes I even placed the barrel in my mouth.
I would always remove the magazine, but for those of you who are not familiar with a Glock, if you don’t rack the slide and remove the round from the chamber (barrel) it will still discharge a round.
I very easily could have accidentally killed myself. My rationalization was that I simply wanted to hear and feel the metallic click of the trigger being pulled while the barrel of the gun was resting against my right temple. I did this while I was under the influence of alcohol. I still do not truly understand why I did this, and sometimes wonder how many times it happened while I was excessively consuming alcohol. I am very fortunate to be alive.
In December 2021 I experienced a panic attack during an active-shooter training that led to a psychological assessment in January 2022. The assessment lasted seven hours and resulted in a nine-page mental health diagnosis. I was thinking about not being honest during the evaluation. I thought I could beat the evaluation. I chose to be honest with the evaluation and myself. That was the only way I would receive the type of help I need.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and PTSD with acute stress – with dissociative features by the police department’s psychologist and deemed unfit for duty. This meant I was not able to return to work and needed to undergo intense psychotherapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), biofeedback and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
I requested a 90-day leave of absence in order to work on my mental health in the hope of returning to duty. I attended therapy two and three days a week for 90 days. I was finally undergoing the right kind of mental health treatment, and I began to heal and understand why I adapted to poor coping strategies to self-medicate myself. I only wished I would have begun this therapy five years earlier, but it was better late than never.
In April 2022, during my leave of absence, I was placed on a safety plan because of my suicidal ideations. The psychological exam discovered an elevated risk of harm to myself. I agreed to not engage in self-harm, destructive or life-threatening behavior or any other high-risk behavior to myself or others. I don’t remember ever wanting to die by suicide, but my behaviors were very evident that I was heading in that direction. There were many nights I would pray to God that he would not let me wake up in the morning.
In May 2022, I met with my police chief and was told my leave of absence was not going to be extended. I was given the option to resign or be terminated. I chose not to resign and was terminated.
What next? I had been diagnosed with a mental illness, put on a safety plan and terminated from a job I’ve wanted since I was a little boy. I was employed with the police department for 14 years. What if I would have gone home and died by suicide?
It was almost as if the police department washed their hands of me. I was ghosted by my co-workers, the same people who not only knew me professionally but personally. They knew my family, my daughters, helped me move and even came to me with their own personal and professional mental-health challenges. I would have died for them.
I felt hopeless, helpless and abandoned. I was devastated.
I continued weekly therapy that includes in-person psychotherapy and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). I am also prescribed lexapro (20mg) and propranolol (as needed), which are medications that help me with my depression and generalized anxiety.
I have faced many personal and professional mental health challenges after my critical incident, and it has taken me many years to get back on track. I am currently a police captain in Wisconsin. I am where I am today because I finally put myself first and moved past my poor coping strategies.
I would not have been successful with healing my mental health without the unwavering support of my family, friends, colleagues, counselors and even complete strangers. I am very grateful and will never be able to put into words how much their support means to me.
I also want to thank my Police Chief Shawn McGee for strongly supporting my mental health and the mental health of all his officers. Chief McGee is helping to stop the stigma of mental health in the law enforcement profession. He doesn’t just talk the talk. He puts his words into action.
Please reach out to someone if you believe they are struggling with their mental health. I know it may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but most people will not admit they are struggling, and most people will not reach out for help.
You could be a light during a very dark time in someone’s life. Remember, it’s okay to talk about your mental health. You are not alone. Please don’t suffer in silence.
Capt. Adam A. Meyers
Hartford, Wisconsin
